The Very Supreme and Elite Agent Elf Posse
by Soyotome
Summary: As the Fellowship forges forth to destroy the One Ring, Elrond, Legolas, Haldir and Glorfindel take a stand against the lesser known evils of Off-Center Earth!! Join them as they abolish National Hat Week and take down tacky jewelry!


Waaa-hoo! Insanity!! Can anyone guess where THIS fic was inspired from? Huh? THere's a cookie in it for you....okay, just kidding. Anyway, if you read the summary you'll probably guess what this is about, but I'll RECAP!   
Elrond, Haldir, Legolas, and Glorfindel have all become members of a super-secret Gandalf sponsored society called.........The Very Elite and SUper-Powerful Agent Elf Posse of Off-Center Earth! Since the acronym was waay to long (TVEASPAEPOOCE) it's now just the AEP! (Although there were many in favor of POOCE...)  
If you make it past my exessively long authors note, you'll find my first attempt (besides the Very Secret Diary of the One Ring....verymuch thrilling!) at writing in NON SCRIPT FORM! Go ME! So....be kindly towards me. OY VEY!  
On a further note, I don't own most of the characters!! Only Armolas, and Off-Center Earth. (which is kinda of Middle Earth, only not so centered) HTe others are NOT MINE. I just borrow them. There, now finally, ON with the fic!  
  
  
  
Prologue: The Forming of the Very Elite and Supreme Agent Elf Posse  
  
It was a beautiful Spring day in Rivendell, the birds were chirping, the sun was shining, the clocks were striking thirteen, and the somber and depressing Council of Elrond was taking place.   
  
Gimli and the other unimportant, accented, chunky-braided dwarves were present, along with Legolas and the other irrelevant androgynous elves, Gandalf, Boromir, Aragorn, Frodo, and Elrond.  
  
Elrond had just wrapped up his awe-inspiring and consequential speech of the all-domineering evil of the One Ring, finishing off with the dramatic question of which poor sap wanted to take the thing to Mordor.  
  
After a rather embarrassing and lengthy pause, a smattering of dialogue broke out, resulting in Frodo's eventual agreeing to take the ring to Mordor. Legolas, Boromir, Gandalf, Aragorn, Sam and Pippin and Merry all rose bravely to accompany the hirsute midget on his perilous journey.  
  
"Nine companions." Elrond said in all of his Elrond-acting glory. "So be it! You shall be…….the Fellowship of the Ring!"  
  
"Great!" cried Pippin. "Where are we going?"  
  
Luckily at this moment the camera cut, missing completely the speeding projectile tiara aimed at Pippin by Elrond. The tiara stuck the poor hobbit on the scapula and knocked him off the platform. The council dissolved at once, not wanting to meet the wrath of Elrond either.  
  
Legolas was ponced off to do top secret and important Elf things in order to prepare for the impending mission…quest….thing (mainly Herbal Essence-ing his hair to perfection and ogling at himself in a mirror for three to six hours while striking manly poses in front of it), when Gandalf halted him.   
  
"Stay a moment, hasty young one." Gandalf said.  
  
"YOUNG?" Legolas screeched in outrage, but came back to the council. He sat in Aragorn's chair, which he had long decided to be the most prettiest, and should have been his in the first place.   
  
"What is this all about, Gandalf?" Elrond asked in his normal long, drawn-out way of talking. He and Gandalf and Legolas were now the only three left.  
  
"Hold on a tick." Gandalf said, and began rooting madly around in the bushes. Legolas and Elrond looked at Gandalf, looked at each other, looked at Gandalf, then looked at the sky and whistled, pretending they didn't know him.  
  
"Ah HAH!" cried Gandalf, pulling from the shrubbery two long-haired, blond elves. He deposited them on the council platform.  
  
Legolas and Elrond blinked.  
  
"You should know Haldir and Glorfindel!" Gandalf said merrily. Haldir and Glorfindel waved slightly. Not as in back and forth waving, but as in waving of the hands……er, you get the idea.  
  
"What were they doing in the bushes?" Legolas asked slowly, with the tone of one talking to someone quite insane.  
  
"Safe-keeping." Gandalf said, very vaguely and simply causing more blinking of the eyes from Elrond and Legolas. "Now…..I shall tell you all why I have inexplicably prolonged the plot."  
  
"Yeah, that'd be nice." Elrond said sincerely.  
  
"Although all of you may know me as Gandalf the Grey, the old and sagely wizard of Off-Center Earth….." Gandalf began solemnly, stroking his long beard with one hand.   
  
The four elves leaned inward to catch Gandalf's rapidly quieting words.  
  
"What you may not know is that I have an alternate secret identity as a multi-billionare Off-Center Earth Stock Market Executive! And with all of my scads and scads of left-over money I have founded a foundation!" Gandalf cried, now trying to dislodge his hand from his beard, where it had stuck.  
  
"You established an establishment?" Elrond asked in surprise.  
  
"Indeed! I even went so far as to organize an organization!" Gandalf said. "And this association, which is called The Very Elite and Supreme Agent Elf Posse of Off-Center Earth, involves all of……….you." Gandalf finished, pointing dramatically around at the assembled group with his free hand, the other still entangled in the birds nest serving as a beard.  
  
"Wow, I feel so honored!" Haldir said, wiping away a tear.  
  
"You don't even know what it's about yet, twit." Glorfindel said.  
  
"I will, of course, explain that in good time." Gandalf assured them, now futilely hacking away at his beard with a dull instrument, attempting to dislodge his hand. "But first, I'm going to give you these nifty cool things."  
  
Each elf received a small device from Gandalf that looked remarkably like an ordinary, everyday cell-phone. But of course, being respectable, Middle-Earth elves, none of them had a clue what they were all about.  
  
"Hey, a cell-phone!" Haldir exclaimed.  
  
"SHHH!" Gandalf said, rather unconvincingly, and now using a hack-saw to shave off bits of his beard.  
  
"I mean…A strange contraption! Unbeknownst to me, whatever could it be O wise Istari?" Haldir finished lamely.  
  
"These are remarkably handy little devices." Gandalf said merrily, compulsively flicking the cover up and down on his own mysterious cell-phone-like device. "We like to call them M.A.T.R.I.X.E.S."  
  
"Matrixes?" asked Agent Elrond, suspicious nature and forehead heightening.   
  
"It's an acronym!" Gandalf said quickly, and bringing out the blowtorch. "We just don't know what it stand for. We'd change the name, but we think it's wicked cool!"  
  
He was met with blank stares of everyone present.  
  
"Ahem." Gandalf said quickly, moving the topic along quickly.  
  
"One thing, Gandalf." Legolas said. "I'm supposed to be sallying off to Mordor to destroy that very tacky little ring. I think I should go do that instead…."  
  
"Nonsense!" Gandalf cried jovially, very happy now as he had just managed to free his hand, much to the loss of his beard. "We already though of that. We're going to send you're Almost-Identical-But-Not-Quite counterpart, Armolas, off with them instead!"  
  
"My Almost-Identical-But-Not-Quite counterpart?" Legolas repeated, thoroughly confused. His confusion instantly vanished when an elf, almost identical to himself but not quite, walked out from the convenient and omnipresent shadows.  
  
"Legolas, meet Armolas!" Gandalf said jubilantly. "He'll be going with the Fellowship instead of you. His aim with a bow is only .00000000016 millimeters off from yours, and he can only shoot nineteen arrows a second instead of twenty-two, but he's the best we've got! We'll just write the history books with your name there, and no one will no the difference! You won't have to come close to death, and you won't even mess up your hair!"  
  
"That's a plus." Legolas said, brightening considerably. "And it could quite possibly cut down on my ridiculous rate of fangirls…."  
  
"Not a chance!" Gandalf cried merrily. "But, on with business!"  
  
Legolas looked rather put-out.  
  
"As to the mission of The Very Supreme and Elite Agent Elf Posse of Off-Center Earth, or TVEASAEPOOCE, or VEASAEP, or AEP, or whatever shortened form you prefer…" Gandalf said, "your mission, should you choose to accept it, it to rid Off-Center Earth of all evil. Not giant evil, as in the evil that lies in the evil of the ring, but less evil, the evil that makes one want to wring their hands and have fainting spells. The kind of less intense evil that, while still very evil, is not quite so evil as other things with much more concentrated evil. Is this all making sense to you?"   
  
"Sort of….." the four Elves said in unison.  
  
"Very good, because there is more. I will now give you a few examples of the slightly less evil but evil that still deserves to be purged from the land type of evil. Yes? All right then. Slightly less evils are things like telemarketers, STAR tests, Spam (both kinds), old people who drive around at three miles an hour with their left turn signal going, elevator music, dictionary salesmen, refugees from the sixties, squeegees, any kind of axis at all, gym-floor varnish, and last but not least, pink bunny slippers. There are many more of course, but these are the basic instruments of evil that all good Agent Elves must learn to recognize and destroy."  
  
"I can see how many of those things could be evil." Legolas said with sincerity. Senile old geezer, he privately thought.  
  
"Yes, those darn old people and their turn signals really bug me too." Haldir said solemnly. Disillusioned, and batcrap crazy, he thought to himself.  
  
"Pink bunny slippers?" Glorfindel asked. I thought the blue ones were MUCH more evil, he thought quietly.  
  
"Why do these have to be called M.A.T.R.I.X.E.S?" Elrond complained, having missed the entire conversation. "What does the 'X' stand for anyway?"  
  
"Xerses?" Haldir suggested.  
  
"Xylophone?" Glorfindel offered.  
  
"Xebra?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Zebra doesn't start with X!!" Haldir told him impatiently.   
  
"Awww." Legolas said, looking downcast. "Really?"  
  
"No. Now, if we could stay on-topic……." Gandalf was fairly devoid of merriness by now and beginning to become full of annoyance. "It's really quite simple. You go and destroy minutely evil things."  
  
"I'm guessing we don't really have a choice in this matter." Legolas said.  
  
"Of course not! If you had a choice, you wouldn't choose this! And then there would be no story! So…..AEP it is!"  
  
"I liked POOCE better." Haldir mumbled.  
  
  
And so it was that the Very Elite and Supreme Agent Elf posse was formed, and Armolas went off with the Fellowship to take Legolas's place, and he was indeed written in as Legolas in all the history books, who then got twice the credit. The AEP waited for the first notice of something minutely evil to destroy, but that of course does not fit in the prologue.  
  
  
  
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WARG! Don't hurt me and my odd silly fic.....my attempt at a REAL, NON SCRIPT story...*gasp*  
BTW, should I perhaps.......continue? Yes, no, maybe, yucky? 


End file.
